Monday, April 11, 2011

Tired of being sick

I'm so mad at myself for being such an idiot and falling two weeks ago.  I mean really, I should have just taken the curb cut/cross walk like a normal person instead of trying to push myself.  I have all these appointments now for platelet transfusions and follow up appointments.  I was starting to feel stronger and like things were going better since my brain relapse last December, and now I feel like I've taken several steps backwards.  I'm weaker, I'm behind on my online class work, I have less free time, and I'm upset with myself.  I do feel better than I did right after I fell, but being a neurologist's daughter I am of course worried about the skull fracture and the bleeding I had in my brain.  I know I should focus on the positive, the fact that I'm feeling better, but I am so tired of having problems!  I just want things to be "normal" - not having to worry excessively about my health, being able to do normal activities.  I'm not driving right now, I'm not even going up and down stairs by myself.  This is the least independent I've been the entire time I've had cancer and the most abnormal I've felt.  I hate it.  I just want to be able to go a week without seeing a doctor, being able to drive, being able to move normally and not having restricted mobility, problems getting upstairs, problems walking a lot.

Just complaining in this post.  Emotionally I'm doing okay, really I am, but sometimes you just have to get it off your chest and complain.  And there isn't much else going on in my life, so this is the topic I have to write about.  Hahaha. 





10 comments:

Zhu said...

You can't waste time blaming yourself! Do you know how many stupid things I do a day? How many times I wish I hadn't taken the wrong decision?

You live, you learned. Looks like you didn't do anything wrong, it's just bad luck.

Spend your energy getting better, stop the blaming! Otherwise, no chocolate and candies for you ;-)

Leesa said...

Hey Mir,

It's good to get it off your chest and let it all out, esp. here- b/c we're all here for you... Even if I can't do anything for you... to make you feel better physically, I hope I can be here you for support in any way I can! I'm really sorry you are going through all of this and I can only imagine that you want to feel 'normal.' I wish that, too.. Hugs to you... big ones.. Leese

Eileen said...

We all want those things for you too! Don't apologize for complaining!

Leah said...

I agree that it's better to vent when you have things on your mind...heck, I'm the queen of that! I'm sorry to hear about your fall and the difficulties you've been having because of it. I wish you a speedy recovery and for time to speed up! Get better soon.

Monique said...

hey, this is a MUCH better topic to complain about than anything else you could be writing about!!!

I hope things get easier and you can catch up on those online classes! Also, I didn't know your dad was a neuro... that's crazy, and awesome!

au soleil levant said...

Zhu - I know that everyone makes mistakes, but most mistakes don't cause skull fractures and bleeds in the brain. Thanks for the comment though, you're right that everyone does things they regret. And you know I love chocolate and candies, so I guess I have to concentrate on getting better!

Leesa - Thanks for all the offers of support and caring and for me to be "normal." I appreciate all the good wishes, thanks.

Eileen - thank you! I just don't like complaining that much in general, and I feel like that's all I do these days.

Leah - Thanks for the good wishes! True that complaining when it's fresh in your mind is better than waiting. Good to hear from you!

Monique - Yeah, I come from a medical family, so the medical stuff is kind of normal. Thanks for the good wishes.

getyourselfconnected said...

Let it rip anytime you want! I like the spirit you got there. A little fire never hurt. All my best, will send you a note.

au soleil levant said...

GYSC - thanks for the ranting encouragement and good wishes

getyourselfconnected said...

I went to a Latin Dancing party Saturday night where they give lessons. I thought that would be dangerous enough but I was outside the club cooling off and a drunk drove right over the curb and almost hit me! Luckily my ninja like reflexes got me out of the way.

au soleil levant said...

Oh my goodness! I'm so glad you're okay! Wow, who would have ever thought that would be a problem??