Sometimes though, it's too much. Sometimes there is so much going on that my brain turns off my emotional center for a period of time. It's had enough and it can't take anymore right now, there's too much to process. The past several days, for example. There is so much going on in my life right now - an amazing girl from a local support group for young adults with cancer passed away, I have a friend who is dying, another friend who is going to get a second transplant, I'm worried about my 93 year old grandfather who lives by himself, I have friends who are having problems with each other, I'm worried that my gvhd is acting up.... there's a lot going on.
So as strange as it sounds, my brain has put me on emotional break, which just means that I'm calm about everything and nothing penetrates the calm. I can't react emotionally. I say what I know needs to be said, and I can feel a sort of detached empathy, but I can't get worked up about anything. And I do mean can't. I want to be able to feel things, but right now I just can't. I feel detached and matter-of-fact.
And that's a big relief right now. I need a break. I just hope it doesn't last too long.