Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Emotionally Drained

I'm a very emotional person. I cry during sad movies and books, sad stories on the news upset me, when I'm happy about something I'm ecstatic, and when I get really angry about something (which thankfully doesn't happen often) I'm really angry. It's a conscious choice. I could be more calm about things, but when I'm not emotionally involved and feeling something all the time, I feel dead inside, as if I'm not fully participating in life. I like being emotionally invested in my life and having intense feelings.

Sometimes though, it's too much. Sometimes there is so much going on that my brain turns off my emotional center for a period of time. It's had enough and it can't take anymore right now, there's too much to process. The past several days, for example. There is so much going on in my life right now - an amazing girl from a local support group for young adults with cancer passed away, I have a friend who is dying, another friend who is going to get a second transplant, I'm worried about my 93 year old grandfather who lives by himself, I have friends who are having problems with each other, I'm worried that my gvhd is acting up.... there's a lot going on.

So as strange as it sounds, my brain has put me on emotional break, which just means that I'm calm about everything and nothing penetrates the calm. I can't react emotionally. I say what I know needs to be said, and I can feel a sort of detached empathy, but I can't get worked up about anything. And I do mean can't. I want to be able to feel things, but right now I just can't. I feel detached and matter-of-fact.

And that's a big relief right now. I need a break. I just hope it doesn't last too long.

8 comments:

Amber said...

You take a break and let the rest of us do the worrying/caring for you. I'm keeping you, and all of your dear friends and family in my thoughts and in my prayers. In the mean time, give yourself a break. Your heart is big but it shouldn't have to carry around the weight of the world all alone!

getyourselfconnected said...

Sounds like an so much going on. Keep your chin up and do what works for you. You have my thoughts and best wishes.

Zhu said...

I can relate to being emotional - I am too to a certain level. Feng calls me a "professional worrier" because I tend to over-think stuffs and worry for those around me.

However, you DO have too much going on right now, and serious stuffs too. You went through so much yourself the last few months, let alone the very sad tings happening to your friends.

I think disconnecting and distancing yourself a bit from all that is the best you can do. It sounds selfish but you need it. You can't take all these stuffs and process them at once. Do something silly, take your mind out of real life (no, I'm not saying drugs! :-D). Give yourself a chance to get better quick. Give yourself a break.

We are here!

au soleil levant said...

Thanks guys, it's very encouraging and mood-lifting to have all of your good wishes and understanding.

Erica said...

I totally know what you mean. I think it's pretty normal to feel overloaded (that's a lot of sucky stuff you're dealing with) ... our brains only let us handle what we can, and right now you brain is protecting you. You can deal with it later.

Sorry to hear things have been so overwhelming, i'm keeping you in my thoughts ...

au soleil levant said...

Thanks Erica.

Sevonne said...

As one very emotional person to another, it's important to take a break sometimes. Life happens, and sometimes it sucks, and sometimes there's just too much to handle. When your body says "hold off! give me a breather" it's probably a good thing. While it may make you feel disconnected, I suggest going with it for awhile. Do your best not to struggle with it.

You have so much going on, I wish I could lift some of it off your shoulders! Give yourself a break - and when I feel like this I like to eat ice cream =)

au soleil levant said...

Thanks Sevonne, good advice, especially the ice cream! No worries, I have already indulged :)