My doctor told me last week that my total maintenance chemo plan will last for two years. That means I'll be getting treatment until May 2012.
So I'm stuck here for another two years. I love my doctor and nurse, the hospital and all the staff here and have no desire to get treatment anywhere else. I feel that the team here is the best fit for me and I'm in the best place possible.
But.... then there's wanderlust I can't seem to get out of my system. Being tied to a specific place because of treatment frustrates me. It makes me feel like my life is not my own, that I have no self-determination, like someone - or something - else is in charge instead of me. I should be in charge. It's my life. It isn't only the idea that I want the power to determine where I go, but I love going different places and experiencing new things. I'm stuck in a rut here, living in the house I grew up in, in the same room, in the same bed I've had since I was six (yeah, I know, time to get a new one).
Part of the way I've been dealing with being stuck in treatment again is by imagining what I will do when I'm done. I like to think about going back to France, or different degree programs in different cities I can do. Above all I think about going back to France. It has almost a mythic quality for me. It's a place where I wasn't sick, where I was completely independent, totally in charge of my own destiny, working and traveling and doing all the things normal 20somethings do. I've never had that experience in the US. I spent most of college in treatment or recovering from my first transplant and then I ran off to France. In the US I feel perpetually stuck in adolescence. I can't even enroll in classes and do something productive with my time while I'm stuck here because I have to go to the hospital for so many different appointments. It would be too difficult to schedule. Maybe next semester or next year? And I know I could take online classes, but that isn't that same. I want to go OUT and do things, not be stuck in the house all the time.
I'm just disappointed. I need some change. I am going out and doing things, meeting people, but that's also a frustrating experience because one of the first questions anyone asks is "what do you do?" And I have nothing to say to that. I usually say that I recently got back from teaching English in France, but that was a year ago now. It just reminds me that the majority of the world is living and doing productive things and I am not. It's embarrassing, and yet another reminder that my life has taken a totally different path from anything I ever thought it would.
Everyone join in loud and clear: THAT SUCKS.
Guess it's time for a new two year plan. I like to mope about my problems for a couple of days and then get on with things, make some positive changes. Right now I'm moping, and tomorrow I'll regroup. France will still be there in two years, right?