Look Both Ways

This weekend didn't turn out as planned. It might have gone something like this: I text before leaving on Saturday with arrival spot and time, which we had previously decided on. I get a text as I get to Reims that he is actually not in Reims today, sorry. I'm totally confused, turn right around and get back on the bus to leave because clearly there was no point in staying in the rain and the cold for no one. He calls about an hour later asking if I'm still there. I say no, I left because you said you weren't there. He says he's back now, and he can drive up to my town to see me. I said if you want, and then my cell phone lost reception. When I get reception back he's left a voice mail saying to call him, so I do, and he says he's going to see if his friend can drive me back to Reims that evening and that he'll call or text to let me know. I'm thinking at this point that he still wants to see me. Then I don't hear anything. At 8:30 PM I text him to see what's up. No response. Nothing heard today. Guess I was wrong.

D and I had to dish it out last night, of course. We've decided that he has major issues that relate to the reason he got divorced. That part is his business, so you're all just going to have to guess what happened. I don't "officially" know what happened either, I only know because D told me last week, and I already felt uncomfortable with his reason for leaving her but was thinkingthat I could help him through it. Unfortunately his issues go beyond what I thought, it's really a systematic inability to get back into the dating/romance scene. This whole thing has roots in that; basically he can't move forward or commit to anyone new because he's terrified and has a big self doubt problem.

I just feel really badly for him. I feel like he knows what he wants but he can't push himself to get it, and that's really sad for him. He pushes forward, then pulls back when he gets scared. For me, I'm not at all angry, and I'm not even hurt because I know this has nothing to do with me; it's his issue, not mine. The part that is hard for me is thatI really want to try and help him heal and reconcile all of this, but as I told myself today while I was debating messaging him again, I'm not Mother Theresa. I understand that he has a very hard time dealing with his situation but the fact of the matter is this was four years ago and he has to be an adult and find some way to move forward on his own (or preferably with psychiatric help). It's his loss if he can't, his loss in many, many ways. Coming from my background of having dealt with cancer, I know you have to realize that bad stuff just happens, and there's no reason and it's no one's fault, so you have to find some way to make peace with yourself about that and move on. And I really hope that one of these days he can comes to terms with this and will move forward with his life. But I can't help him, it's beyond what I can do.

And thus, although I'm sure I will have more juicy gossip and details because D is seeing his best friend, le Rémois quits our little story in France today. I really hope I can stick to my "not Mother Theresa" guns though. I might have to delete his number from my phone just to keep myself from getting all marshmellowy about this. I really just feel so bad for him.