In about ten days it will be six months since my transplant, and it's been about eight months since I found out I relapsed. Eight months since I put my life on hold, again, for the third time. The third time I've had to withdraw from classes, the third time my plans have been moved from the "in progress" box to the "indefinitely suspended" box. The third time I've found myself with nothing meaningful to fill my days - no work, no school, just medical stuff. Otherwise my time is mine and I can choose between internet, books, movies, TV, and the Wii for diversion.
Last time around I got completely stir crazy six months after my transplant and this time around it's the same thing. I'm ready for a change. This is why I don't really mind going to the hospital nearly every day of the week - it gives me something to do! People to interact with! A place to go!
I wish I were living the life of a "normal" almost 26 year old. Over the past six years the only time I felt somewhat "normal" was for a few months about five years ago, before I relapsed for the first time and had my first transplant, and the period from about two years ago until I relapsed in the fall. What do I mean by "normal?" Mostly not having my life be consumed by health issues all the time. Being able to go out and do things - grocery shopping, the post office, restaurants, which I can do now but since I'm not living on my own I don't have to. But mostly I mean the things that people in their 20s do - work, go to school, go out to bars, meet people, make friends, date, travel, have fun!
This is not to say that I've been miserable for the past six years. Obviously not. In fact I've made opportunities for myself that most people never have the balls to pursue, like living in France for two years. I just wish that my time in France didn't feel like an anomaly, like I had a break of two years bookended by years of treatment and hospitals and doctors. I feel so old. While most people my age only worry about what bar to go to this weekend and how to pick up a guy or girl, I worry about my blood tests and chemotherapy sessions and if I should make a living will or not (the answer is yes but I honestly don't know what I want to put in it. To be like Terri Schiavo or not?).
I just wish I could be more like everyone else. I would like my life to be less serious. It would be such a luxury to worry about homework or boy drama instead of my pulmonary function or getting rid of the leukemia in my CNS. To go out every night instead of spending every day at the hospital.